Somewhere along the way I missed the truth. It was handed to me... yet I discarded it, filed it away for another day. I subconsciously made the choice to refuse its many repercussions. I disregarded the very truth that was written point blank on that piece of paper.
I had done this all before, so I hardly listened to a word that was uttered - I didn't shed a single tear. Unlike the first time, I fully expected what I was told. Yet I still didn't completely listen. There was a minor difference in this meeting compared to the last, that I chose to ignore.
"Moderate to Severe Autism" I saw the autism, I heard the autism, I anticipated the autism. We'd been through it once already. I saw it coming the second time. Somehow the "Moderate to Severe" just did not register.
What did register was that we had a lot of work ahead of us - but it was nothing we hadn't done before. Behavioural therapy, speech, ABA, social groups... I knew what had to be done. I didn't even have to wait until we were at the top of the wait list, by this point I had the tools and skills to work with her at home.
So that's what I did.
All along the way I merrily promoted autism awareness, autism acceptance and happily shared all of the problems we encountered and the triumphs we had. At no point did it occur to me that most of the problems were around Sofia... and the triumphs were Josie's.
Even after Sofia was accepted into IBI, an intensive program that Josie was too high functioning for, I never considered that we were going to reach a different destination this time around, I just thought we were taking a detour.
It's time for me to start accepting the fact that even after round one, I never fully understood autism. Because what we are going through now is more than I ever thought possible. Sofia may continue to make improvements, but Sofia is never going to get better.
Sofia is one of the children that we rarely hear about. She is not a feel good story likely to be shared with the masses by way of media. Her story will not do a thing to illicit acceptance, it will not make people proud of all the money they raise and awareness they are spreading.
But Sofia's story is one of the hidden truth of autism.
Don't cry Sofia. Mommy's here.
